The troubled mind.
Written in 1995

My mind is troubled
the pain has doubled
images of all this stuff in my head
forces a huge dilemma of what was said.

Thoughts of suicide haunt
to avoid those that hit and taunt
I wisk myself out the door
not wanting to think anymore

I find images and more
the rustling of the school and backpacks
those that taunt me so
come to mind and don't let go

I want to be set free of my mind
to be helpful, outgoing and kind
It grasps me tight, and sucks me in
to see the torture that is within

What would it be like, how would I feel
to feel as if I didn't have all this at the wheel
It drives a rage deep inside me
One I hope no one ever has to see

Off I walk in the forest to lay and think
to think of those that push me to the brink
Small and afraid I plea in might
there has to be someone to hold me tight

Push away those that scared me senseless
so that I may develop my senses
Daily I take this, and wince in pain
Silent at all times, I strain

Holding on to that last whim of hope
How do I find the strength to try and cope
What do I do tomorrow that will set me free
I guess I will have to wait and see.

Kids that walk about and smile, yet they hold something very painful inside, that of which staff sometimes doesn't see happen, yet boils like a rage inside, and at somepoint toward the end they are trying to make a decision, with no hope, and no light for them to see at the end of that tunnel. They feel trapped, and do the worst thing imaginable. Kids write when they feel this way, but not all kids will. Encouraging your child to be open in the family can prevent so much of this type of tragedies. I hope that the poems help bring to light how these kids feel, empty, hopeless, helpless, and many other words that they think all of the time, and yet they will continue to take what is going on, until it is to late. Parents take the innitiative to know your child, or it could be your last time of knowing them. Educate yourself, and know more on this bullying topic.

The bare relationship

Have you ever found your relationship or marriage just wasn't what it used to be. This year has sparked many seperations by many married and unmarried couples. Some of the root cause is the economy, economic stress that fuels the already burdened relationship. People that find that their spouse has left in the past, and seperated for a while will also see them doing so now, due to the stress that they will try to avoid.
You know it is time to move on when:
Your spouse has cheated.
You have trust issues.
Your Emotionally Disconnected.
You have thought about ending the marriage many times.
Your spouse comes home later than usual.

For most they start to see a pattern develop, as most are very familiar with the other person, sometimes for many years. Emotional and other distresses can bring out the worst in people, but you need to know when enough is enough. How much a person will allow for stress in their life, and is a root cause of many unstable families. I find that many who date for a months time really don't know each other, just common external attraction. A relationship is based around trust and stability. If the partner becomes unstable, counseling can help, but when you lose trust to issues like cheating, or affairs, then their is very little left to salvage. For one, a person who cheats can and will be prone to do so again. Some parents find they stay together for the kids sake, but then later ask themselves who they are kidding in doing this. The children end up losing in this arrangement. Couples that also cannot seperate peacefully harm the children psychological well being, and the he said she said becomes a problem with new partners that form.

If a person thinks about seperating, they cannot just up and do so, without at least attempting everything possible to salvage the relationship. Failure to do so, will result in a lapse back into the relationship. A person has to know on the way out, that they did everything possible and there is no way to fix what is broken, and not even bother to look back.

Don't kid yourself, and get to know the person, and avoid the looks part of a person, although it is nice for that too. The mentality of the partner has to be one of support, trust, and no prior issues of affairs. Take your time, and really get a look at how they run their life, and what they do that may cause issues for you in a possible relationship. If people jump into relationships, they get bit, and their are those few who found love at first site, but most get bit in the end and end up bitter.

Repressed Memories

Repressed memory is a theoretical concept used to describe a significant memory, usually of a traumatic nature, that has become unavailable for recall; also called motivated forgetting in which a subject blocks out painful or traumatic times in one's life. This is not the same as amnesia, which is a term for any instance in which memories are either not stored in the first place (such as with traumatic head injuries when short term memory does not transfer to long term memory) or forgotten.[1]
The term is used to describe memories that have been dissociated from awareness as well as those that have been repressed without dissociation. Repressed memory syndrome, the clinical term used to describe repressed memories, is often compared to psychogenic amnesia, and some sources compare the two as equivalent.[2][3]
According to the theory's proponents, repressed memories may sometimes be recovered years or decades after the event, most often spontaneously, triggered by a particular smell, taste, or other identifier related to the lost memory, or via suggestion during psychotherapy.[4]
The existence of repressed memories is a controversial topic in psychology; some studies have concluded that it can occur in victims of trauma[5][6][7][8][9], while others dispute it.
Theory
It has been speculated that repression may be one method used by individuals to cope with traumatic memories, by pushing them out of awareness[13] (perhaps as an adaptation via psychogenic amnesia) to allow a child to maintain attachment to a person on whom they are dependent for survival.[23] Researchers have proposed that repression can operate on a social level as well.[24]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repressed_memory

According to the theory, something happens that is so shocking that the mind grabs hold of the memory and pushes it underground, into some inaccessible corner of the unconscious. There it sleeps for years, or even decades, or even forever–isolated from the rest of mental life. Then, one day, it may rise up and emerge into consciousness. Numerous clinical examples fitting this model can be readily found. Many of these examples involve not memory of murder but rather memory of other sorts of childhood trauma, such as sexual abuse, that allegedly has been repressed for decades until recovered in therapy. http://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/lof93.htm

While only some of this is true, let me put this in more detail. Repressed memories are not ones pushed into inaccessability, and they are not forgotten at all. Repressed memories are ones that seem forgotten, but with the mind there is only so much room for them. These memories are layered like one sticker over another, as they deal with surface memories, ones that bothered them and cycled on the surface. When those memories, and flashbacks are dealt with and exposed, they fall away to the long term memory exposing further memories underneath, ones people thought they had forgotten. As the patient keeps exposing them, at night when they sleep other ones are exposed. I remember from my dreams about how this worked, and seen it. We do not simply lose those memories they get compressed, and other instances that are traumatic in a persons life that continue to happen, further compress them down. A person can hold many thousands of images. As the mind eases from memories returning to the long term spectrum of thought, the others come out and are again exposed. People will be able to recall vivid childhood instances, that they assumed they forgot. The short term memory becomes clogged, and learning anything at all becomes very difficult. One thing that I have noticed is as you keep peeling away at memories, the mind speeds up, speech becomes more of an issue, because you learned to speak at the speed of your slow thoughts. As your thoughts become faster, the mind takes some time to adjust to it, and speach to cognition becomes delayed. I would describe it much like that of a person clearing a cached memory from an explorer on a computer, the explorer runs much faster, but the pages load slower due to the lost cookies of information. A person finds that they have to stop rethink, and speak again. Over time they get better as sequencing their thoughts to their speech, and evens the cognitive process.

New Perspective

New Perspective

By Patrick Harnish

January 29, 2009

I close my eyes and smell the air

I find you here, there, and everywhere

New thoughts abound

My world now unwound

I have a new perspective to life

One with less grief and strife

I thank you everyday

For a new life and a new day

Hold my hand and stand by me

All the truths you helped me to see

It is an honor to know you

You helped me through

Took a moment to look and see

What has been hiding from me

I thank you everyday, in every way

For guiding me to a new way

Stay with me, I will lead the way

It’s ok to kneel and pray

I am here with you always

When the wind blows and sways

I have a new perspective to life

One with less grief and strife

I thank you everyday, in every way

For a new life and a new day

Hold me now forever more

My heart tore and ripped apart before

Healed anew and full of life

I am glad you’re in my life

Come close as we dance together

There is nothing we can’t weather

You mean so much to me

Rejuvenated and reconnected emotionally

Walk with me now from here to there

You have shown me your life and your care

I’ll light the way, the shadows withdrawn

Because today begins a new dawn

I have a new perspective to life

One with less grief and strife

I thank you everyday

For a new life and a new day

I will guide you in your dreams

Be not afraid ahead full steam

Take my hand let it come to be

I will be there with you and help you see

Danger lurks in the air, it haunts you dear

I am with you to push away the fear

Walking calmly by your side you feel

The warmth penetrates and heals

Hold me close and never let me fall

You stand so proud and tall

Looking in my eyes you smiled

I haven't felt this good since I was a child

Dance with me my prince of light

For I have won this battle and fight

I will show you the way ashore

To a new day and more

The Mind

The Mind

By Patrick Harnish

January 29, 2009

The mind is a fragile place

Sometimes dozing into space

Taking for granted all you know

Hoping the mind will grow

The birds around you chirp loud

Your mind filled with a cloud

You think of better days

But what would I say

I was on the computer today

And knew that I would be okay

I wrote to them that night

As I found myself in fright

They said talk to the school today

And everything will be okay

I spoke up very loud and cried

I knew they were on my side

As they whisked me away

I heard my self say

Thanks to you my friend

That this is not my end

My mind is open and alive

Again I was able to thrive

Peace and joy in my life

With no danger or strife

Off I go happy and unafraid

No need for a new Band-Aid

A love so kind and sweet

That I didn’t miss a beat

I will keep you in my prayers

And know that someone cares.

Waking up

Waking up
By Patrick Harnish
August, 1995

I woke up one morning
I found struggles abound
I wanted so much to be caring
So much that has to be unwound.

As I went to bed that night
Keeping all that’s sacred tight
Slumbering in gods embrace
To wake up with sweat all over my face

I tremble with fear sadly
from a torture that haunts badly
The pain and memories intense
I lie awake in suspense

I am alive each day
To survive another way
Another day to wane
Only to live with the pain

Thoughts unpleasant
Images persistent
Like the outgoing tide
Distantly, I cried

What is the purpose?
What is this pain?
I feel helpless
I feel like I’ve been slain

Inside I fall apart
A deep pain in my heart
Unable to express how I feel
I lie back down, hoping that I will heal

Creaks in the floor make me jump
Bracing for that big thump
Always on the lookout and alert
Expecting that hurt

Forcing it all from my mind
A prayer of peace for man kind
Tucking myself in tight
I go back to sleep that night


That morning I went to school
I felt so uncool
Not to be liked and forced to fight
I tried to keep my strength and might

Walking down the hall each day
Feeling the terror each way
My heart breaks in silence
Due to all the violence

Skip school to feel safe
To beat what is viewed as so unsafe
I wander the hall looking for the door
All the while looking at the floor

I see the sunny day outside
My safety to that of what is inside
Thoughts of pain no more
As I walk through that door.

Take me away I say in plea
Because I don't want to be

Recovery, What is it like?

Although many will tell you that you can't express it in words, thats because its true. Emotions are sometimes the only way to get it out, to show that you are hurting.

What is the recovery like? Well, when a person goes through recovery, they speak to the therapist sometimes years after it has happened. Sometimes, initially the therapist may have caught a glimpse of it if they were being seen as a child, however, most children are very quiet about revealing things of that nature. They hold it dear to them, because it is the only way they know to survive, to live with it, and they won't give it up without some knowledge given to them as useful. When you look at an adult who still lives in the school every day and night of their dreams, it gets worse, and they can literally walk in that school, without even having to be there.

They can tell you every instance, every detail, every area, that they took emotional abuse, physical abuse, or taunting behaviors. They remember in detail what happened, and everything else they were thinking. The mind goes beserk with capturing every detail, as much as they are picking on the victim, the victim is studying them, the school, and its environment to its fullest. But, it goes further from there, in that the victim Isolated, studied every detail of every surrounding, even those in the city and surrounding. If they skipped school, it was because they found a safe area around the city, and are usually there.

Recovery for them is hard because they know the information now holds no purpose, but revealing it is easier, because no threats remain. The hard part comes to putting them in order and talking about them. Counselors, if you want a clue, don't interrupt someone when they are speaking to you. Yeah you want to know something about this situation and go back to it, but they will never forget, so relax, take copious notes, and let them put together their timeline of events. When a child leaves the school environment, the thoughts are mixed, put in a way easiest to remember, not by date or time. These images define areas of safety, and were used a lot to remember. You have to give them time to sort, and it will take a while to put that back together.

When you think you are all done, and the images have lapsed give it about a month, they will be back, because another set of images will pop forward, usually ones repressed by the other ones. When they do, you may get a call signaling an emotional breakdown, and it happens several times, because now they are getting closer to the source, the main traumatic area, that signaled this whole cycle. It is not uncommon that their brain gets stuck, in a time that was traumatically involved. Years can go by, and even spermarche can be delayed, and as a sign the mind is waking back up, it happens in adulthood. Another thing seen in the recovery process, is that the person is very emotionally detached from their family, remember they learned to isolate themselves very well, and into a marriage you will see a severe communication breakdown. When they start to become more emotionally attached, dreams can occur signaling it, and you notice a sudden change around the home. Almost like a person went from depression to happyness overnight.

Socially the person is withdrawn into their adulthood, and even isolates at work, except to have conversation, but no friends in the process. They keep a very minimal acceptance in the workplace, and like to be to themselves at times. They usually speak about having only one friend, as they are "bothersome", don't like to go out socially in public, and mention sitting home a lot. The counselor will discover that they are socially witdrawn, but talk about when they were younger, and were very outgoing. Sometimes you see the adult right in front of you, and a battle begins when they try to de-isolate themselves. As hard as they try, it's like fighting against the grain.

As a counselor, you may also see signals to child and peer abuse that has not yet surfaced. My reccomendation is to not say anything, because it is coming out shortly after you realize it. Maybe in your next session, the person doesn't yet see it, so making them aware will only hinder the process, and a block could occur. The person has to explore their mind, and it takes a while, but noticably they talk about not understanding, night sweats, searching of the mind for answers, they study the internet and avidly look for things related to what they are going through, and many other aspects that they will sit and discuss. They may start draw pictures, some from times passed that are in detail, possibly hundreds of drawing can occur. They hold out there hands, and make gestures while viewing things in the mind, and can't actively express it, and fall short in words. They look at you for an answer, as how do I tell about this, and how do I make you understand, and what am I supposed to do.

Or they may say something similar to the fact that the word victim doesn't do justice for this.

They talk about how the ouside of their head feels sometimes, with the tightening under there skin from the front to back ending about 1 inch above the neck area, and after discussing something, that it feels like their pre-frontal lobes are burning. A sensation that they are not used to. They might talk about a pain felt in the brain at some point of their childhood, but don't remember when it started, later on you will see where that started. They mention migraines and headaches, sometimes so bad they have to close the window blinds to be in the dark and still close their eyes, to try and get rid of it. They may show signs of irritability, and last but not least; don't be surprised to hear, I want you to take these images away, erase them, do something. They lose concentration at work, space off and get irritable. Usually in school, when a child has this, they read about a small paragraph and are just lost in space. The adult will remember teachers calling on them when it seemed like they were daydreaming, but the child viewed the teacher as bad, and started to hate them, because you called attention to that child. I have had to learn about this as I go, and if you want answers, fine. I'll tell you everything if you have the time. Some things are not on here, but it gives you an idea of what an adult survivor goes through from extreme bullying and abuse in a school system that spans a decade.

Thoughts of a child, just some of them

Thoughts a child goes through from bullying.

There are literally thousands of modified thoughts based on these simple ones.

hopeless
helpless
I give up
I hate them
god, why are you punishing me
they hate me
what did I do
how can I make it stop
I need to make it stop
I wish she would help me
I want to talk, but I’m afraid
everyone watches everything I do
I wish I would die
god, I give up
I don't care anymore
I hate my life
what is in store for me today
who will beat me up in that area today
should I just skip school my grades can't get any worse
don't look at them keep your head down walking
I need to sit quiet so they wont say anything
I hope the teacher doesn't call on me
I wish I was invisible
I need help
I hate these images
I am hurting
I am aching
I am bleeding inside
my head feels numb
I feel tired, what is the point
I want to sue so badly
I want to tell so bad, but they will think there is something wrong with me
I wish these memories would leave me alone
I wish they would all die
I want peace
I will make it stop
Always thinking of that area to avoid, or several.
What way should I take home.
If I stay after school, can I talk to someone privately. (paces > outside the office)to many people,
all of them hate me, all of them watching intently to see what I do.
If I run I may have a better chance.
Oh man, I have football now, gonna love today.
I need to quit, it is not safe, but they will hound me again.
The coaching staff will downgrade me again.
(snap) God D*** it he broke my finger, (coach says suck it up)
Everyone downs me for ruining their chances in the next game.
It bugs me, the deaths in the family I have not yet dealt with
I ache
I cried
I didn't understand
I am scared but no comfort
I feel woozy,
I feel like I died that day, and all this crap I deal with everyday just keeps piling up
I have no way out
The images won't leave me alone.
"It is like I walk through that school in detail in my dreams" I remember ever single area, every comment, every put down, everything. I just close my eyes, and its all back, every moment, every thought, everything that troubles me, is constantly there to remind me of just how bad of a person I am.
I am trapped
I am ashamed
I need to speak up
I like this speaker he moved me, but I can't find him
I feel like my stomach hurts
it feels like a ball of pain
I feel like at times my heart is hurting
I am tired of crying
I hate all of these intense emotions
I wish I could turn them all off

School Shooters

School shooters while very covert in thought, are easy to find. If the administration staff watches the behaviors of the children in the environment, then they will notice a difference.

Children who are taking abuse in an environment will act in avoidance tactics, they will have defined safe zones in the school, and paths to follow. A child that gets surrounded by peers to get beat up, isn't simply a sign of one instance, it has been ongoing for years by that point. It is very easy to see a child who suddenly does something different, and learns to avoid people, and areas. Did the student come up to a T intersection of the school and look down one way before going further.

When they wait outside a door do they look at the door waiting to get in, or act nervous fiddling with the door knob. Did you notice something was different in what they did today, rather than yesterday. The simple fact is, a student who becomes the threat to the school has learned to formulate when to leave class, learns to isolate well, and learns to shut you out. If you find a student who won't talk, and I don't care comes out of their mouth, they are hiding something. When a school starts to suspect with boys, and it has gone on for years, notebooks are a great place to start looking for a hitlist.

Secondly, the child when observed either in the counselors office, or other places may shut the door. Schools have to get a clue, they isolate to not exist, and if they do that your school could be in danger. Another thing with students that are edgy, is that they don't like to be touched or patted on the shoulder repeatedly. They are more nervous, and it disrupts their ability to focus on the environment for cues. When you look at a child who is tormented every day, you will notice they stare off into space, out the window, or always at the same thing. You could probably wave your hand in front of their face and they are just not there. Flashbacks happen in children starting around kindergarden, but they are very brief, and as time goes on they develop the ability to store more information. It is so crucial that the school recognizes a child who is being abused, to stop the cycle.

Children can be misdiagnosed for learning problems due to this same abuse. Their mind is trying to process a ton of saved information, the only problem is that they cannot find the answers, and further lack the database of knowledge to deal with it. Their happy thoughts get repressed, to allow room for the incoming thoughts, and flashbacks. Around 9th grade is the area of noticeability, and anger will come out. Some students who suddenly get into trouble, may be looking for a way out of the situation they can't handle. It is not surprising that children don't speak up, and I don't blame them.

Society today, is one that supports and promotes bullying activity, but in the end when something tragic happens, the community ends up suffering the price. They play the blame game, when all it really took was for someone to pay attention. Around 10th grade is typically when hit lists are formed, and poems as well indicating suicidal tendencies. If a school really looks for the traits of child abuse, they will start to get a better overall picture of what is happening. Halls don't have to become zones, and it is easy to find those that wait to leave until it is safer. Everyday, I hear excuses, and I see them as just that.